Hayanome Hime
by Quatre-sama
Summary: A parody of "The Princess Bride"--Ranma-style. Please read & review!


Hayanome Hime: The Princess Bride  
By Quatre-sama and the Space Pirate Ryoko (Angela)  
  
All credit goes to the movie The Princess Bride and William Goldman.   
  
----------  
[scene—Grandson's bedroom. Grandson is on the bed, playing video games.]  
[enter Kasumi]  
Kasumi: Hi, honey!   
Grandson: Hi, Mom.  
Kasumi: Are you feeling better?  
Grandson: A little bit.  
Kasumi: Guess what.  
Grandson: What?  
Kasumi: Your grandfather's here.  
Grandson: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?  
Kasumi: Oh my. That's why he's here.  
Grandson: He'll start to cry. I hate that.  
[enter Soun]  
Kasumi: Maybe he won't.  
Soun: how's the sick?   
Kasumi: I think I'll go make some tea.  
Soun: I brought you a special present.  
Grandson: What is it??  
Soun: Open it up.   
[pause as Grandson opens present]  
Grandson: A book?  
Soun: That's right. When I was your age television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your mother, and today I'm gonna read it to you.  
Grandson: Does it got any sports in it?  
Soun: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, brutes, monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles . . .   
Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.  
Soun: All right. [opens the book and reads] "The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Akane was raised in a small dojo in the country of Nerima. Her favorite pastimes were studying martial arts and tormenting the fiancé her father chose for her. His name was Ranma, but she never called him that."  
[pause]  
Soun: Isn't that a beautiful beginning?   
Grandson: Yeah, it's really good.  
  
[scene: dojo. cue music: slow version of "China Boy"]  
Soun: "Nothing gave Akane as much pleasure as ordering Ranma around."  
Akane: Dummy! Scrub my gi. I want it to be gleaming white by morning.   
Ranma: YOU'RE SO UNCUTE! [grabs gi and storms away]  
Soun: "'You're so uncute' was all he ever said to her."  
Akane: [holds out two buckets] Dummy, fill these with water . . . please?  
Ranma: You're so uncute! [takes the buckets]  
Soun: "That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'you're so uncute' what he meant was 'I love you.'" And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back."  
Akane: Dummy, get me that pitcher. [motions to pitcher right overhead]  
Ranma: You're so uncute. [smiles and reaches for it]  
  
  
[scene: bedroom]  
Grandson: Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you tryin' to trick me? Where's the sports? is this a kissing book?  
Soun: Wait! Just wait!   
Grandson: When does it get good?   
Soun: Keep your shirt on—let me read. "Ranma had no money for marriage, so he packed up his few belongings and left the dojo to seek his fortune across the sea in China. It was a very emotional time for Akane."  
Grandson: I don't believe this.  
  
[scene: dojo. the couple stand close together]  
Akane: I'm scared I'll never see you again.  
Ranma: Sure you will.  
Akane: But what if something happens to you?  
Ranma: Remember this, Akane: I'm always gonna come get you.   
Akane: But, how can you be sure?  
Ranma: This is True Love. D'ya think this happens every day? Geez!  
  
Soun: "Ranma did not reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Ryoko, who never left captives alive. When Akane got the news that Ranma was murdered--"  
Grandson: Murdered by pirates is good!  
Soun: "She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate."  
Akane: Honestly, the big dummy! [flings shoes at the walls] I will never love again!   
  
[scene: main square. Kuno, Principal Kuno, on balcony]  
Soun: "Five years later the main square of Nerima City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Kuno's bride-to-be."  
Kuno: my people! A month from now our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown I shall take for my wife a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?  
People: Yes!  
Kuno: My people, the Princess Akane!  
[Akane enters wearing crown and gown]  
  
[scene: outside Nerima City walls. Akane is jogging.]  
Happousai: A word, pretty lady. We're just poor, lost, circus performers. Is there a village nearby?  
Akane: There isn't anything nearby. Not for miles.  
Happousai: Sweet-O! Then there'll be no one to hear you scream!  
[Ryouga gives Akane a nerve-pinch. She falls unconscious.]  
Ukyou: What's that yer rippin'?  
Happousai: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Jusenkyo.  
Ryouga: Who's Jusenkyo?  
Happousai: The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Nerima!  
[Happousai drops the fabric on a bush]  
[the four board a boat]  
Happousai: Once it is found, the fabric will make the prince suspect someone from Jusenkyo has kidnapped his love. When he finds her body dead on the Jusenkyo frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed.  
Ryouga: You never said anything about killing anyone.  
Happousai: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.   
Ryouga: I just don't think it's right, killing a beautiful, innocent girl.  
Happousail: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips? YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LANDMASS!  
Ukyou: I agree with Ryouga-sugar.   
Happousai: OH, THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX! I WILL KILL HER AND REMEMBER THIS—NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE SO SLOBBERING DRUNK YOU COULDN'T BUY SAKE! AND YOU! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS—DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE? WANDERING? IN GREENLAND?  
Ukyou: That Happousai, he can fuss.  
Ryouga: Fuss, fuss . . . I think he likes to scream . . . at us!  
Ukyou: Probably he means no harm.  
Ryouga: He's really very short on . . . charm!  
Ukyou: You know, you're good at rhyme!  
Ryouga: Yes, yes, some of the time.  
Happousai: Enough of that!   
Ukyou: Ryouga, are there rocks ahead?  
Ryouga: If there are, we'll al be dead!  
Happousai: No more rhymes now, I mean it!  
Ryouga: Anybody want a peanut?  
Happousai: DYEEAAHHHHH!   
  
[scene: open water. Ukyou is looking behind the boat frequently]  
Happousai: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that?  
Ukyou: You sure no one's following us?  
Happousai: That would be inconceivable!  
Akane: Honestly! You know you'll be caught! Do you know what Kuno will do to you then?  
Happousai: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own.  
[Ukyou looks behind again.]  
Happousai: Stop doing that! We can all relax; it's almost over.  
Ukyou: You're really sure no one's followin' us?  
Happousai: Like I said, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Jusenkyo knows what we've done, and no on in Nerima could've gotten here so fast. [pause] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?  
Ukyou: No reason . . . it's just that there's something behind us!  
[Happousai, Ryouga, and Ukyou look behind]  
Happousai: Probably some local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise at night . . .through eel-infested waters.   
[Akane dives overboard. She sinks like a rock]  
Happousai: Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her!   
Ukyou: I don't swim.  
Ryouga: I only dog-paddle.  
[Akane resurfaces, struggling and gasping for breath]  
Happousai: DYEEAAHHHHHHHH! Veer left! Left! Left! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS, HIGHNESS? IT'S THE SHREIKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED ON HUMAN FLESH. IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW, I PROMISE NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT YOU'LL GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS.  
  
[scene: Grandson's bedroom]  
Soun: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.  
Grandson: What?  
Soun: The eel doesn't get her. Now, I'm explaining this to you because you look nervous.   
Grandson: I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a bit _concerned_, but that's not the same thing.  
Soun: Because we can stop now, if you want.   
Grandson: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.  
  
[scene: back on the boat]  
Soun: "Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels."  
Grandson: We passed that, Grandpa. You read it already.  
Soun: I'm sorry! Don't yell at me! Waaaaahh!  
Grandson: Grandpa, it's alright.  
Soun: All right, all right. Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was coming after her, she was drowning, the eel started to charge her, and then--  
[Akane is lifted out of the water]  
Happousai: Put her down, put her down!  
Ukyou: I think he's getting closer.  
Happousai: He's not our problem! Sail on! I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?   
Akane: Only compared to you.  
  
[scene: base of the Cliffs of Insanity]  
Ukyou: Look! He's right on top of us? I wonder if he's been usin' our wind?  
Happousai: Whoever he is, he's too late! See? [points wildly] THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY! Hurry up! Move that thing! And that other thing! [pause] MOVE IT!   
[they tie up the boat at the cliffs]  
Happousai: We're safe. Only Ryouga is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours 'til he finds a harbor. Woo-hoo!  
  
[scene: climbing the cliffs. Ukyou, Happousai, and Akane are clinging to Ryouga as he climbs a rope to the top]  
Ukyou: Uh, It's a girl, I think, and she's climbin' our rope. And she's gainin' on us, too.  
Happousai: Inconceivable! [pause] FASTER!  
Ryouga: Hey! I'm going as fast as I can here!  
Happousai: You were supposed to be this Colossus, you were supposed to be this legendary thing, and yet she gains!  
Ryouga: Well, I'm carrying three people, and she's got only herself.  
Happousai: I won't accept your excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new brute, that's all!  
Ryouga: Aw, Happousai, don't say that!   
Happousai: DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOU JOB IS AT STAKE?  
[Ryouga and group reach the top, where Happousai uses a Happo-fire Blast to cut the rope]  
  
[scene: at the top, Ryouga, Happousai, and Ukyou are looking down at the pigtailed girl climbing the cliff]  
Ryouga: She has very good arms.  
Happousai: She didn't fall? Inconceivable!  
Ukyou: You keep using that word. I don't think it means what'ya think. [pause] My God! She's climbing!  
Happousai: Whoever she is, she has obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. You! Carry her! We'll head straight for the Jusenkyo frontier. Catch up when she'd dead. If she falls, fine. If not, the spatula.  
[Ryouga gently scoops up Akane]  
Ukyou: I'm gonna do her left handed.  
Happousai: YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!  
Ukyou: Com'on, you know it's the only way I can be satisfied! If I use my right, it'll be over too quick!  
Happousai: Oh, have it your way.  
Ryouga: Be careful, Ukyou. Girls in pigtails can't be trusted!  
Happousai: I'M WAITING!  
[Happousai, Ryouga, and Akane depart for the Ruins, leaving Ukyou to prepare for the pigtailed girl.]  
Ukyou: Hey there honey! Slow goin'?  
Pigtailed Girl: [climbing cliff] Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this ain't as easy as it looks! So stop distractin' me!  
Ukyou: Sorry!  
Pigtailed Girl: Thank you.  
Ukyou: You don't s'pose you could hurry, do ya?  
Pigtailed Girl: If you're in such a rush, you could drop me a rope or a tree branch!   
Ukyou: Yeah, I could, but I bet you wouldn't take my help, considerin' I'm only waiting around to kill you.  
Pigtailed Girl: Yep, that changes things.  
Ukyou: But I promise I won't kill you 'til you reach the top.  
Pigtailed Girl: Yeah right! You're gonna have to wait.  
Ukyou: I hate waiting. [pause] I could give you my word as an Okonomiyaki chef.  
Pigtailed Girl: No good. I've known too many Okonomiyaki chefs.  
Ukyou: Ain't there any way you'll trust me?  
Pigtailed Girl: Nope.  
Ukyou: I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Kuounji, you'll get up here alive.  
Pigtailed Girl: Throw me the rope.  
[Ukyou throws the rope down to the Pigtailed Girl. She climbs.]  
Pigtailed Girl: Thanks.  
[Pigtailed Girl prepares to fight]  
Ukyou: Hold on, honey! Let's wait 'til you're ready.  
[begins cooking okonomiyaki]  
Pigtailed Girl: Thanks again.  
Ukyou: I don't mean to butt in, but . . . do you turn into a panda when you're splashed with cold water?  
Pigtailed Girl: Do ya always start conversations like this?  
Ukyou: My father's okonomiyaki cart was stolen by a man who turned into a panda. He came and asked for this special shrimp okonomiyaki. [offers a sample]   
Pigtailed Girl: Mmm . . . .delicious!  
Ukyou: The panda demanded it, but at one-tenth the going value for okonomiyaki. My father refused. Without another word, the panda knocked him down and ran off with the cart. I love my father, so of course I challenged the thief to a duel. He left me with this.  
[hands two notes to the Pigtailed Girl]  
Pigtailed Girl: "Ha-ha! Got your okonomiyaki cart!"  
Ukyou: The other's worse.  
Pigtailed Girl: "Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me I'm the okonomiyaki man!" This guy's sick. How old were you?  
Ukyou: I was six. When I was strong enough I dedicated my life to the study of culinary martial arts, so that the next time I see him, I won't fail. I'll go up to the panda and say: "Hello. My name is Ukyou Kuounji. You stole my father's okonomiyaki cart. Prepare to die."  
Pigtailed Girl: You've done nothing but study martial arts?  
Ukyou: Eh . . . more of a pursuit than study lately. You see, I can't find him—it's been fifteen years—and I'm starting to lose confidence. I work for Happousai to pay the bills. Not a lot of money in revenge.   
Pigtailed Girl: Well, I hope you find him someday.   
Ukyou: You ready then?  
Pigtailed Girl: Sure.  
[they stand. Ukyou throws her spare giant spatula to the Pigtailed Girl.]   
Ukyou: You seem pretty all right, honey. I don't wanna kill you.  
Pigtailed Girl: You seem pretty all right. I don't wanna die.  
[they square off, prepared to fight.]  
Ukyou: Begin. You are using tamago defense against me, eh?  
Pigtailed Girl: Seemed best, considerin' the rocks.  
[they fight uphill, toward the cliff's edge.]  
Ukyou: You're probably expecting me to attack with yama gobo.   
Pigtailed Girl: Course! But doesn't momiji-oroshi cancel yama gobo?  
Ukyou: Unless her enemy hasn't studied her shamoji—which I have! You're great!  
Pigtailed Girl: Thanks. I'm tryin'.  
[Pigtailed Girl corners Ukyou against a rock wall.]  
Ukyou: I admit, you're better than me, honey.  
Pigtailed Girl: How come you're smilin'?  
Ukyou: I know something you don't know.   
Pigtailed Girl: Yeah?  
Ukyou: I'm not left-handed.  
[switches the spatula to her right hand with a flourish]  
Pigtailed Girl: Amazing.  
Ukyou: I oughtta be, after fifteen years!   
[Ukyou pushes Pigtailed Girl toward the cliff's edge.]  
Pigtailed Girl: There's something I oughtta tell you.   
Ukyou: Eh?  
Pigtailed Girl: I ain't left-handed either.   
[Pigtailed Girl flips the spatula into the air, catching it with her right hand.]  
Ukyou: Who are you?   
Pigtailed Girl: No one.  
Ukyou: I gotta know.  
Pigtailed Girl: Get used to it.  
[Ukyou shrugs]  
Ukyou: Okay.  
[they continue fighting—Ukyou falls to her knees before the Pigtailed Girl]  
Ukyou: Kill me quick.  
Pigtailed Girl: I couldn't kill a cute girl like you. But. Since I can't have you chasin' me either . . .   
[Pigtailed girl hits Ukyou over the head with her spatula--Ukyou's out cold.]  
Pigtailed Girl: Don't hold it against me.  
  
[scene: halfway up a hill, near boulders. Happousai sees the figure of the pigtailed girl moving toward them.]  
Happousai: Huh? Give her to me! Catch up with us quickly . . . if you can find us.  
[Ryouga hands Akane to Happousai.]  
Ryouga: What do I do?  
Happousai: FINISH HIM! FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY!   
Ryouga: Good. My way. Thanks, Happousai. What's my way?  
Happousai: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder. Soon the Pigtailed Girl will come running around the bend. The minute her head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!  
Ryouga: My way isn't so fair.   
[Happousai leaves with Akane]  
[the Pigtailed Girl approaches the boulders, then slows down. A rock disintegrates in front of her.]  
Ryouga: I did that on purpose, you know. I don't have to miss.  
Pigtailed Girl: Whatever. So what now?  
Ryouga: We face each other as God intended. No tricks, no weapons. Man to man.   
Pigtailed Girl: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my spatula and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?  
Ryouga: I could kill you now.  
Pigtailed Girl: I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand-fighting.   
Ryouga: It's not my fault I'm the biggest and the strongest. I can't help that you're a girl.   
[Pigtailed Girl puts down her spatula and begins attacking Ryouga. He dodges.]  
Pigtailed Girl: Darn it, attack me!!  
Ryouga: I just want you to think you're doing alright. I hate for people to die in shame.  
[Pigtailed Girl dodges swipes from Ryouga]  
Ryouga: You're quick.  
Pigtailed Girl: It's a good thing, too.   
Ryouga: Why are you wearing a pigtail? Did you forget to wash your hair or something?  
Pigtailed Girl: Nyah. It's just comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearin' them soon.  
Ryouga: I just figured why you're giving me so much trouble.  
Pigtailed Girl: Why's that?  
Ryouga: Well I don't really like to fight girls.   
Pigtailed Girl: why should that make such a difference?  
{Ryouga attacks and the Pigtailed Girl flips up in the air to dodge. A gourd slips from its place on her belt, falling toward Ryouga]  
Ryouga: Everyone knows you pull your punches when you fight a weaker creature.  
[the gourd lands on Ryouga's head, knocking him unconscious. It cracks and spills water all over him. He turns into a little black piglet.]  
Pigtailed Girl: Wow, I don't even wanna think about the headache you're gonna have. But, 'til then, sleep well and dream of pig-girls.  
  
[scene: the ruins. Kuno is looking at the scuffmarks on the ground. Mounted soldiers and Count Genma are present.]  
Kuno: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.   
Genma: who won? how did it end?  
Kuno: The loser . . . ran off alone and the winner followed those footprints . . . toward Jusenkyo.  
Genma: should we track them both?  
Kuno: The loser is nothing. Only Akane Tendo matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Jusenkyo. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.  
Genma: could this be a trap?  
Kuno: Who would dare try to ensnare the great Tatewaki Kuno?   
  
[scene: open area. Happousai is seated behind a covered table. Akane, blindfolded, is sitting to his left. On the table is a pitcher of water and two goblets. The Pigtailed Girl approaches the table.]  
Happousai: So, it is down to you and it is down to me. If you want me to kill her, then keep walking.  
Pigtailed Girl: Let me explain--  
{Pigtailed Girl steps forward]  
Happousai: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.  
Pigtailed Girl: Can't we make a deal?  
[continues forward]  
Happousai: There will be no deals and you are killing her!  
{pushes knife against Akane's throat]  
Pigtailed Girl: If you won't give her to me, then I can always kill you.  
Happousai: I couldn't harm a pretty thing like you, and you're obviously no match for my brains!  
Pigtailed Girl: Heh! You? Smart?  
Happousai: Let me put it this way. Ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?   
Pigtailed Girl: Yeah.  
Happousai: Morons.   
Pigtailed Girl: Really. Well then, I'm gonna challenge you to a battle of wits.  
Happousai: For the princess?  
[Pigtailed Girl nods]  
Happousai: To the death?   
[Pigtailed Girl nods again]  
Happousai: I accept.  
Pigtailed Girl: Good.   
[Pigtailed Girl takes a gourd from her belt and uncorks it, handing it to Happousai]  
Pigtailed Girl: Smell this, but don't touch it.  
[Happousai sniffs the liquid]  
Happousai: Water?  
Pigtailed Girl: Water from the Spring of the Drowned Virtuous Man. One touch will turn you into a saint.   
Happousai: Hmm.  
Pigtailed Girl: [takes the pitcher, the gourd, and the goblets. She turns away from Happousai and pours them. She places the goblets on the table, one in front of each.] All right. Where is it? The battle of wits has started. It ends when you decide and we both pour the water on ourselves. We'll find out who is right and who is good.  
Happousai: But it's so simple! All I have to do is figure from what I know of you; are you the sort of girl who'd put the curse into her own goblet or her enemy's? Now, a clever girl would put the cursed water into her own goblet, because she would know that only a great fool would reach for what he is given, and I am not a great fool. So I can clearly not choose the glass in front of you. But, you must've known that I am not a great fool, you would've counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the water in front of me.  
Pigtailed Girl: You decided then?  
Happousai: Not remotely! Because curses come from Jusenkyo, as everyone knows, and Jusenkyo is entirely populated with menaces. And menaces are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the water in front of you.   
Pigtailed Girl: You're makin' me sick.  
Happousai: Wait 'til I get going!! Where was I?  
Pigtailed Girl: Jusenkyo.  
Happousai: Yes, Jusenkyo! And you must've suspected that I'd know the source of the cursed water, so I can clearly not choose the water in front of me.  
Pigtailed Girl: You're just stalling.  
Happousai: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my brute, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the curse into your own glass, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the water in front of you. But, you've also bested my okonomiyaki martial artist, which means you must've studied. And, in studying, you must've learned that with this curse you would lose your womanhood, so you would've put the water as far from yourself as possible--so I can clearly not choose the water in front of me!   
Pigtailed Girl: You old Freak!! You're tryin' to trick me into givin' away somethin'. It won't work!  
Happousai: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE CURSED WATER IS!  
Pigtailed Girl: Then choose, already!  
Happousai: I will. And I choose--what in the world can that be?   
[Pigtailed Girl spins around to look]  
Pigtailed Girl: What? Where? I don't see nothin'!  
[Happousai switches the glasses while her back is turned]  
Happousai: Well, I . . . I could've sworn I saw something. No matter!   
Pigtailed Girl: What's so funny?  
Happousai: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's douse--me from my glass, and you from yours.  
[Each dumps the water on their own heads.]  
Pigtailed Girl: You guessed wrong.  
Happousai: You only think I did! That's what's so funny! I switched the glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less known is this: never go up against a pervert when virtue is on the line! Hahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahaha! Hahahaha--  
[Happousai's eyes go wide as a golden halo appears, shimmering over his head. Then he clutches his chest and falls over, dead.]  
[the Pigtailed Girl unties Akane's blindfold and pulls her to her feet.]  
Akane: Who are you?  
Pigtailed Girl: No one to mess with. That's all you need to know.  
Akane: Honestly! All this time it was your water that was cursed!  
Pigtailed Girl: They were both cursed. I already have a Jusenkyo curse, and you can only be cursed once.   
  
[scene: at the boulders. Kuno sneers down at the unconscious P-chan.]  
Kuno: Someone has beaten this piglet. There will be great suffering in Jusenkyo if she's harmed.  
  
[scene: along a hilltop]  
Pigtailed Girl: Catch your breath.   
Akane: If you let me go, I swear you'll get whatever you want.  
Pigtailed Girl: yeah, and what's that worth--the promise of a tomboy? You're funny.  
Akane: I was giving you a chance. It doesn't matter will you take me; Kuno can track anybody--he'll find you.  
Pigtailed Girl: So you think your lover will save you?  
Akane: I never said he was my lover, and yes, he will save me, that I know.  
Pigtailed Girl: You don't love him?  
Akane: He knows I don't.  
Pigtailed Girl: Are not capable of love is what you mean.  
Akane: I have loved more deeply than a killer like you could ever dream.  
Pigtailed Girl: that was a warning, highness. I don't usually hit girls but I can't stand liars.  
  
[scene: at the table, Kuno examines gourd of Jusenkyo water]  
[Kuno dumps the water on a random henchman--a halo appears over his head]  
Kuno: Spring of Drowned Virtuous Man. I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princess's footprints. She's alive, or was an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out.  
  
[scene: grassy hilltop alongside a gully]  
Pigtailed Girl: Sit down a minute.   
[Akane sits]  
Akane: I know who you are. Your nastiness gives it away. You're the Dread Pirate Ryoko! Admit it!  
Pigtailed Girl: sure! What can I do for ya?  
Akane: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.  
Pigtailed Girl: that's real nice. What'd'ya say that for?  
Akane: You killed my love.  
Pigtailed Girl: Possible. I kill lots of people. Who was this "love" of yours? Another prince like this one? Ugly, rich, and scabby?  
Akane: No. He was a martial artist. Poor. Poor and perfect. With nice eyes. On the Sea of Japan your ship attacked. And the Dread Pirate Ryoko never takes prisoners.  
Pigtailed Girl: If I let one go free they're all gonna want to go. That leaves me with a lot of work.  
Akane: Are you making fun of me?  
Pigtailed Girl: Yeah—anyone who doesn't is selling something! I remember this martial artist guy, I think. This was what—five years ago? Is this buggin' you?  
Akane: Honestly! Like anything you say can upset me!  
Pigtailed Girl: He died well--that should make you happy. He didn't bribe or nothin'--he just said "please. . . please, I've gotta live." It was the "please" that made me remember. I asked him what was so important, and he said "a sexless tomboy." And then he talked about a cute and faithful girl--I can only guess he meant you. You should be glad I killed him before he could find out what you really are.  
Akane: And what's that?  
Pigtailed Girl: He said you were faithful. Honestly--when you found out he was gone did ya get engaged to the buffoon right off or did ya wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?  
Akane: Stop making fun of me!! I died that day! Honestly! and you can die, too, for all I care!   
Pigtailed Girl: You're--so--un--cute!!!  
[the Pigtailed Girl lands in a hot spring, changing into Ranma!]  
Akane: Ranma! What've I done?   
[Akane jumps down the hill, rolling after him. She lands nearby]  
  
[scene: hilltop. Kuno and soldiers are mounted]  
Kuno: They disappeared. They must've seen us closing in. It might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong, and I'm never wrong, they're headed dead into the Cursed Springs Fire Swamp.  
  
[scene: gully]  
Ranma: Can ya move?  
Akane: Well what do you think, dummy?  
Ranma: I told you I'd be back for you! Why didn't'cha wait?  
Akane: Well, honestly, Ranma! You were dead.  
Ranma: Death can't stop me. Just make me late.  
Akane: I'll believe you from now on.   
Ranma: you'd better.   
[they kiss] :)  
  
[scene: boy's bedroom]  
Grandson: Aww, no, please.  
Soun: what's wrong?  
Grandson: They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?  
Soun: when you're all grown up you won't mind that much!  
Grandson: Skip to the fire swamp—that sounded good.  
Soun: Waaaahh! Fine!! "Ranma and Akane raced along the ravine floor."  
  
[scene: ravine floor. Ahead looms the dark of the fire swamp]  
Ranma: Ha! That buffoon is too late! A few more steps and we'll be in the fire swamp.  
Akane: We're never gonna get out of there!  
Ranma: Dummy! You're just sayin' that 'cause no one ever has!   
  
[scene: inside the fire swamp]  
Ranma: It ain't that bed. well, I'm not sayin' I wanna live here or nothin' but it's kinda pretty.  
[Akane looks at him incredulously]  
[they walk. There's a series of thumping sounds approaching Akane. A flame spout appears beside her. ]  
Akane:   
[her shirt catches on fire. Ranma smothers it (much to Akane's chagrin)]  
Ranma: Gee, that was fun. Burnt?  
Akane: You?  
Ranma: this is harder than I figured. But it'll be over soon.  
[they walk, Ranma talking. . . ]  
Ranma: --Ryoko's ship Ryo-oh-ki, and I came at the other side. And you know, I'm Ryoko.  
Akane: How? Ryoko's been around for twenty years—you left five years ago.  
Ranma: Yeah—it's pretty cool. What I said about saying please is true. By then I had the curse, and she was pretty interested in it—and she liked my descriptions of you. {**authors' note: "built like a stick, her thighs are too thick, she's dumb as a brick," etc.**} Finally she decided something. She said, "all right Ranma, I've never had a slave. You can try if you want, I'll probably kill you in the morning." Three years she said that—"Good night, Ranma. Good work. Sleep well. I'll probably kill you in the morning." It was alright. I was learning culinary martial arts, fighting, and a bit of sorcery. Ryoko and I sorta became friends. And then it happened.  
Akane: What? Go on.  
Ranma: Well, Ryoko had gotten so rich she wanted to quit. So she took me to her cabin and told me her secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Ryoko," she said. "My name is Lina. I got the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Ryoko, as you'll get it from me. The girl I got it from wasn't the real Dread Pirate Ryoko either. Her name was Asuka. The real Ryoko has been retired for fifteen years and living like a queen on Jurai." Then she told me that the name was what mattered. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Ranma. So we went ashore, got a new crew, and she stayed on a while as first mate, callin' me Ryoko the whole time. When the crew believed it, she left the ship, and I've been Ryoko ever since. But now that we're together, I'll quit and give the job to someone else. Got it?  
Akane:   
[Akane missteps and falls headfirst into a nearby spring]  
[After a moment of thrashing, she sinks below the surface]  
[Ranma dives after her. He turns into a girl. Within a minute she drags her out.]  
Akane & Onna-Ranma:   
Akane: We'll never make it—you know we're going to die here!  
Onna-Ranma: No, No—we've already made it! I mean, what are the three bad things in the fire swamp? One—the flame spurts. No problem! There's a popping sound before each one, so we can avoid 'em. Two—the cursed springs. And you were lucky enough to fall into the Spring of Drowned Girl! We can look out for those, too.   
Akane: Ranma, what about the F.B.E.C.s?  
Onna-Ranma: Flying Bull-Eel Creatures? I don't think they're real.  
[suddenly Pantyhose Taro (cursed form) attacks Ranma]  
Onna-Ranma: Arrrggghhh!!  
[fight/wrestling—Ranma vs. Taro. Flame spurt appears igniting the fur of the yeti/bull. Ranma kicks the flaming creature into the air]  
Taro: Brawr rawr rawr! Arouw!  
  
[scene: Outside the fire swamp, in a lightly wooded area]  
[Ranma uses a kettle of hot water to change genders]  
Akane: We did it!  
Ranma: Now was that so bad?  
[Akane nods. Kuno and his men approach]  
Kuno: Surrender!  
Ranma: You wanna surrender to me? All right!  
Kuno: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.  
Ranma: How you gonna catch us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there for a long time, so whenever you feel like dying, come visit.  
Kuno: I tell you once again--Surrender!  
Ranma: Ain't gonna happen.  
Kuno: For the last time--SURRENDER!!  
Ranma: Death first!  
Akane: Will you promise not to hurt him?  
Kuno: What was that?  
Ranma: Huh?  
Akane: If we surrender, and I go back with you, will you promise not to hurt Ranma?  
Kuno: May I live a thousand years and never practice kendo again.  
Akane: He's a sailor on the pirate ship Ryo-oh-ki. Promise to take him back to his ship.  
Kuno: I swear it will be done. Once we're out of sight, take him back to Nerima and throw him into Kodachi's Pit of Despair.  
Genma: I swear it will be done.  
Akane: I thought you were dead once, and it almost killed me. I couldn't take it if you died again--not when I could save you.  
[Kuno swings her up onto his horse. They ride away.]  
Genma: Come, we must get you to your ship.  
  
Ranma: We're men of action. Lies are stupid.  
Genma: Well spoken.  
[light rain. Ranma transforms. Genma becomes a panda.]  
Genma: What is it?  
Ranma: You change into a panda when you get wet. Someone is looking for you.  
[Genma knocks Ranma out with the sign]  
  
[scene: Kodachi's Pit of Despair. Ranma (now a boy) is strapped to a table in front of a Large Machine that consists of a water wheel, levers, pumps, etc. A pale boy with candles strapped to his head tends to Ranma's wounds.]  
Ranma: Where am I?  
Gosunkugi: Miss Kodachi's Pit of Despair. Don't even think Don't even think of trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. Don't dream of being rescued, either. The only way in is secret, and only the prince, the count, Miss Kodachi and I know how to get in and out.  
Ranma: So you're keeping me 'til I die?  
Gosunkugi: Until they kill you, yeah.  
Ranma: Then why bother fixin' me up?  
Gosunkugi: The prince and the count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.  
Ranma: So they're gonna torture me, huh?  
[Gosunkugi nods head]  
Ranma: I can handle torture.  
[Gosunkugi shakes his head]  
Ranma: Don't believe me?  
Gosunkugi: You've survived the fire swamp--you must be very brave. But nobody withstands the Machine.  
  
[scene: Nerima market]  
[Kuno addresses the crowd from the balcony]  
Soun: "Principal Kuno died that very night, and before the following dawn Akane and Kuno were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen."  
Kuno: My father's final words were--  
Grandson: Hold it! Hold it, grandpa! Y-you read that wrong! She doesn't marry Kuno--she married Ranma! I'm just sure of it! After all that Ranma did for her? If she didn't marry him it wouldn't be fair.  
Soun: Sadly, my boy, life isn't always fair.   
Grandson: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story, now get it right!  
Soun: do you want me to go on with this?  
Grandson: Yes.  
Soun: All right then. No more interruptions. "At noon she met her subjects again, this time as her queen."  
Kuno: My father's final words were "love her as I loved her and there will be joy." I present you with your queen, Queen Akane!  
[Akane appears]  
[Kodachi lunges at her from the crowd]  
Kodachi: Hohohohohohoho! Hohohohoho! Hohohohohoho!  
Akane: Why are you laughing at me?  
Kodachi: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!   
Akane: But they would've killed Ranma if I hadn't done it!  
Kodachi: Your true love lives, and you marry another! Ranma-darling saved her in the fire swamp and she treated him like garbage. And that's what she is--the queen of refuse! So bow down to her if you want, bow to her! Bow to the Queen of Slime! The Queen of Filth! The Queen of Putrescence! Hohohohohoho! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Hohohohohoho! Hohohohohoho!  
[Akane wakes up in alarm]  
Akane:   
  
[scene: Kuno's office]  
Soun: "It was ten days until the wedding. The King, Principal Kuno, still lived, but Akane's nightmares were growing steadily worse."  
Grandson: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that buffoon?  
Soun: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.   
Akane: It comes to this. I love Ranma. I always have. I know now I always will. If you say I have to marry you in ten days, you can be sure I'll be dead by morning.  
Kuno: Akane Tendo, I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. You returned this Ranma to his ship?  
Genma: Yes, Prince Kuno.  
Kuno: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be women of their words.  
Akane: Ranma will rescue me.  
Kuno: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Ryoko is always close to Nerima this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Ranma wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to seppuku? Are we agreed?  
Akane:   
[Akane leaves. segue to forest scene]  
Genma: Your princess is quite a creature. A little simple, perhaps, but the appeal is there.  
Kuno: Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her. It's strange, but when I hired Happousai to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Jusenkyou is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.  
  
[scene: forested area. Large trees. Genma is searching a tree trunk]  
Genma: Hmm. Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. Aha! Are you coming down to the pit? Ranma's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.   
Kuno: Genma, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Jusenkyou to frame for it. I'm swamped!   
Genma: Get some rest. If you don't have your health, you don't have anything.  
  
[scene: Kodachi's Pit of Despair.]  
Genma: Beautiful, isn't it? It took half of my life to invent it, I'm sure you've noticed how interested I am in pain. Right now I'm writing a book on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. Since this is our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.   
[Genma moves a lever from zero to one. Water starts flowing, powering the machine. Ranma writhes in pain]  
Genma: As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really that's all this is, but instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I don't know what that would do to you. So let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me, and remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?  
Ranma:   
Genma: Interesting.  
  
[scene: Kuno's office]  
Nabiki: Ah, Kuno-baby?   
Kuno: Nabiki Tendo.  
Nabiki: Kuno.  
Kuno: As chief enforcer of all Nerima, I trust you with this secret; killers from Jusenkyou are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.   
Nabiki: My spy network has heard no such news.  
[Akane appears at the door]  
Akane: Any word from Ranma?  
Kuno: Too soon, my angel. Patience.  
Akane: He is going to rescue me.   
Kuno: Of course.   
[Akane leaves]  
Kuno: She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested.  
Nabiki: Of course, the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.  
Kuno: FORM A BRUTE SQUAD, THEN! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed!  
Nabiki: This won't be easy, Kuno-baby.  
Kuno: Try ruling the world sometime.  
[Nabiki smiles]  
  
[scene: The Thieves' Forest, Brute Squad moving in and about huts]  
Soun: "The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Kuno's orders."  
Nabiki: Is everybody out?  
Cologne: Almost. There s an okonomiyaki chef giving us some trouble.  
Nabiki: Well, you give her some trouble. Move.  
  
[scene: outside a hut. Ukyou is sitting, nursing a bottle]  
Ukyou: I am waiting for you Happousai! You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'm gonna stay. I will not be moved.  
Cologne: Ho there.  
Ukyou: I won't budge. Keep your "ho there."  
Cologne: I believe the prince gave orders.  
Ukyou: So did Happousai! When the job went wrong, he went back to the beginning. Well, this is where I got the job, so it's the beginning. And I'm stayin' 'til Happousai comes.  
[Ukyou swipes at Cologne with her spatula]  
Cologne: You! Brute! Come here!  
[Ryouga comes over]  
Ukyou: I am waiting for Happousai.   
Ryouga: You'll sit here 'til you die. Hello.  
Ukyou: It's you!  
Ryouga: Who? You don't look so good.  
Ukyou: Phbphbphbphbphbphbphbphbt!  
Ryouga: You don't smell so good, either.  
Ukyou: Maybe not, but I feel fine.  
Ryouga: Yeah?  
  
[scene: inside somewhere]  
Soun: "Ryouga and Ukyou were reunited, and as Ryouga nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Ukyou of Happousai's death and the existence of Genma Saotome, the man who turned into a panda. Considering Ukyou's life-long search, she handled the news surprisingly well."  
[Ukyou falls head first into a bowl of ramen.]  
Soun: "Ryouga took great care in reviving Ukyou."  
[Ryouga dunks Ukyou's head into two buckets in turn, careful not to get splashed.]  
Ukyou: That's enough! That's enough, jackass! Where is this panda, so I can kill him?  
Ryouga: He's with the prince in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.   
Ukyou: How many could you take?  
Ryouga: I don't think more than ten.  
Ukyou: Leaving twenty for me. Even at my best I couldn't beat that many. I need Happousai to plan. I ain't any good at strategy.  
Ryouga: But Happousai's dead.   
Ukyou: No, not Happousai. We need the Pigtailed Girl.  
Ryouga: What?  
Ukyou: Look, she beat you with strength--your greatness. She beat me with steel. She must've out-thought Happousai. And a woman who can do that can plan my castle-onslaught any day. Let's go.  
Ryouga: Where?  
Ukyou: To find the Pigtailed Girl, obviously.  
Ryouga: But we don't know where she is!  
Ukyou: Don't bother me with details! After fifteen years my father's soul will finally be at peace! There will be blood tonight!  
  
[scene: Kuno's office]  
[Nabiki enters]  
Kuno: Rise and report.  
Nabiki: The Thieves' Forest is empty. Thirty men guard the castle.  
Kuno: Double it. My princess must be safe.  
Nabiki: Yes, but the gate has but one key. I carry that.  
[Akane enters]  
Kuno: Ahh, my dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Nerima Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.   
Akane: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. Every ship but the four you sent.  
Kuno: Yes, yes, of course. Naturally not those four.  
Nabiki: Umm, Kuno-baby?   
Akane: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying--it's okay already. Ranma will rescue me anyway.  
Kuno: You're a silly girl.  
Akane: Yes, I am a silly girl. For not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.  
Kuno: I would not say such things if I were you.  
Akane: Why not? You can't hurt me. Ranma loves me, and you can't touch that. And when I say you're a coward, that's only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.  
Kuno: I WOULD NOT SAY SUCH THINGS IF I WERE YOU!   
[he drags her into the hall and locks her in her room]  
  
[scene: Kodachi's pit of despair. Kuno leans over Ranma.]  
Kuno: You truly love each other, and so you might've been truly happy. Not one couple in the century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I think no man in the century will suffer as greatly as you will.  
[Kuno takes control of the machine and puts it to the highest setting.]  
Genma: Not to fifty!  
Ranma:   
  
[scene: village road.]  
Ukyou: Ryouga! Ryouga-sugar, listen! Do ya hear? That's the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Genma stole my father's okinomiyaki cart! The Pig-tailed Girl makes it now.  
Ryouga: The Pigtailed Girl?  
Ukyou: Her true love is marrying another tonight. So who else has a reason for ultimate suffering?  
[They start moving through a crowd]  
Ukyou: Excuse me. Pardon me. It's important! Ryouga? Please?  
[Ryouga touches one finger to the ground]  
Ryouga: BAKUSAI TENKETSU!!!!  
[the crowd parts as the ground breaks up beneath them]  
Ukyou: Thanks, sugar.  
  
[scene: outside the entrance to Kodachi's pit of despair. the two have stopped Gosunkugi, who is pushing a wheelbarrow]  
Ukyou: Where is the Pigtailed Girl?  
Gosunkugi: . . .  
Ukyou: Ryouga, jog his memory.  
Ryouga: Ooh, sorry Ukyou. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Ukyou?  
[Ukyou draws her giant spatula]  
Ukyou: Father, I have failed you for fifteen years, now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a girl who can help us. I can't find her alone. I need you, I need you to guide my spatula. Please, guide my spatula.  
[Ukyou stumbles around, led by the spatula. She hits a tree. Ukyou leans against it, pressing the hidden knot]  
  
[scene: Kodachi's Pit of Despair]  
Ryouga: She's dead.  
Ukyou: Jackass, it's a man!  
Ryouga:   
[Ryouga pulls out some cold water and pours it on Ranma. He becomes a she]  
Ryouga: See? I told you it was her.  
Ukyou: She's still dead. It's just not fair.  
  
[scene: bedroom]  
Grandson: Grandpa! Grandpa, wait. What did Ukyou mean--she's dead? I mean, she didn't mean dead. Ranma's only faking, right?   
Soun: Do you want me to read this or not?  
Grandson: Who gets Kuno?  
Soun: Huh?  
Grandson: Who kills Kuno? At the end! Somebody's gotta do it! Is it Ukyou? Who?  
Soun: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.  
Grandson: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?  
Soun: You know, you've been very sick, and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we should stop now.  
Grandson: No! I'm okay! I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.  
Soun: Okay, all right. Now let's see, where were we? Oh yes. In Kodachi's Pit of Despair.   
  
[scene: Kodachi's Pit of Despair]  
[Ryouga changes Ranma back into a guy--Ukyou's fascinated by the curse]  
Ukyou: Well, the Kuounjis have never taken defeat easily. Come on, Ryouga-sugar. Bring the body.  
Ryouga: The body?  
Ukyou: You got any money?  
Ryouga: A little.   
Ukyou: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle. That's all.  
  
[scene: outside a thatched hut. Ukyou knocks on the door. A bespectacled face appears.]  
Miracle Mousse: Go away! What? What?  
Ukyou: Are you the Miracle Mousse who worked for Principal Kuno all those years?  
Miracle Mousse: The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed. Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad!  
[Ryouga approaches]  
Ryouga: BAKUSAI TENKETSU!!! I'm on the Brute Squad.  
Miracle Mousse: You are the Brute Squad.  
Ukyou: We need a miracle; it's very important.  
Miracle Mousse: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired. I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle!  
Ukyou: He's already dead.  
Miracle Mousse: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.  
[inside, Ranma is laid on the table. Mousse examines him]  
Miracle Mousse: I've seen worse.  
Ukyou: Uh. . . huh?  
Miracle Mousse: Huh?  
Ukyou: We're in a hurry.  
Miracle Mousse: Don't rush me, girlie. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. Do you have any money?  
Ukyou: Sixty-five.  
Miracle Mousse: Sheesh! I've never worked for so little. Except for once--and that was a very noble cause.  
Ukyou: This is noble, all right. His wife is. . . crippled. The children are gonna starve.   
Miracle Mousse: Are you a rotten liar!   
Ukyou: I need him to help avenge my father. Stolen from fifteen years ago.  
Miracle Mousse: Your first story was better. Where's did I put that bellows? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.  
Ukyou: He's dead. He can't talk.  
Miracle Mousse: Heh Heh Heh. Look who knows so much! Heh! Well it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all-dead. Please. Open his mouth. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead . . . well, with all dead there's usually just one thing you can do.   
Ukyou: What's that?  
Miracle Mousse: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.  
[Mousse puts the bellows to Ranma's mouth and blows air in]  
Miracle Mousse: Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What do you have here that's worth living for?  
Ranma: T-R-U-E-L-O-V-E  
Ukyou: True love--you heard him! You couldn't ask for a more noble cause than that!  
Miracle Mousse: Yes, true love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice, steamy bowl of ramen--where the noodles are nice and firm, and the fishcake is fresh. It's so perky! I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said: to blave. And as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably playing cards and he cheated--  
[a beautiful blue-haired lady storms into the room]  
Shampoo: You lie!   
Miracle Mousse: Get back, witch!  
Shampoo: Shampoo not witch! Shampoo wife! But after what Mousse say, she not sure she want be that anymore!  
Miracle Mousse: You never had it so good!  
Shampoo: True love, he say! True love, Mousse!  
Miracle Mousse: Not another word, Shampoo!  
Shampoo: He afraid. Since Prince Kuno fire him, Mousse confidence gone.   
Miracle Mousse: Why did you say that name, Shampoo? You promised me you would never say that name!  
Shampoo: What? Kuno?   
Miracle Mousse: Aaaigh!  
Shampoo: Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno!  
Miracle Mousse: I'm not listening!   
Shampoo: Mousse not happy but no say why he won't help!  
Miracle Mousse: Nobody's hearing anything!!  
Shampoo: Kuno! Kuno! Kuno! Kuno!  
Ukyou: This is Akane's true love! If you heal him, he'll stop Kuno's wedding!  
Miracle Mousse: Enough! Wait, wait! If I make him better, Kuno suffers?  
Ukyou: Humiliations galore!  
Miracle Mousse: Heh, heh, heh. Now that is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job!  
Shampoo: Aiya!  
  
[scene: Shampoo coats the pill with chocolate]  
Ukyou: That's a miracle pill?  
Shampoo: Chocolate make pill go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And he not go swim for at least--  
Miracle Mousse: An hour.  
Shampoo: A good hour.  
Ukyou: Thanks for everything.  
Miracle Mousse: Okay!  
Shampoo: Bye-Bye!  
Miracle Mousse: Have fun storming the castle!  
Shampoo: Mousse think it work?  
Miracle Mousse: It would take a miracle.  
Both: Bye-bye!  
  
[scene: atop a battlement overlooking the gate]  
Ryouga: Ukyou, there's more than thirty.  
Ukyuo: So what's the difference? We've got him! Help me here. Looks like we'll have to force-feed him.  
Ryouga: Has it been fifteen minutes?  
Ukyou: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour; we've gotta attack before that. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.  
[they force-feed the miracle pill to Ranma]  
Ryouga: How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?  
Ukyou: Your guess is as good as mine.  
Ranma: I'll beat you two apart. I'll take you both together.  
Ryouga: I guess not very long.  
Ranma: What's wrong with my arms?  
Ryouga: You've been mostly dead all day.  
Ukyou: We had Miracle Mousse make a pill to bring you back.  
Ranma: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Akane?  
Ukyou: Let me explain--nyah, there's too much. Let me sum it up. Akane's gonna marry Kuno in a little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up this wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I deal with Count Genma.  
Ranma: That cuts it pretty close.  
[Ranma wiggles finger as he speaks]  
Ryouga: You just wiggled your finger! That's great!  
Ranma: I've always been a quick healer. What are we up against?  
Ukyou: Just one working castle gate and it's guarded by . . . sixty men.  
Ranma: And in our favor?  
Ukyou: Your brains, Ryouga's strength, my steel.  
Ranma: That's it?! No way. If I had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this?   
Ryouga: You just shook your head! Doesn't that make you happy?  
Ranma: My brains, your strength, and her steel against sixty men, and you think a little head-jiggle's gonna make me happy? Hmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow—that would help.  
Ukyou: Hey sugar, where'd we put that wheelbarrow Gosunkugi had?  
Ryouga: With Gosunkugi, I think.  
Ranma: Now why didn't you say so? Man, I really need some more Jusenkyou water.   
Ukyou: Can't help you there.  
Ryouga: How's this?   
Ukyou: Where'd you get those?  
Ryouga: Miracle Mousse. He said he was done with them, so I could keep them.  
Ranma: Okay, already. Come on, help me up. Now, I'll need a bokken eventually.  
Ukyou: What for? You're too weak to lift one.   
Ranma: Yeah, but does Kuno know that?   
[Ryouga pulls out his umbrella and hands it to Ranma]  
Ryouga: Will this do?  
Ranma: Thanks. Now, there's gonna be some problems once we get inside.   
Ukyou: I'd say! Like, how do I find Genma? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?  
Ryouga: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.  
Ukyou: Right, right. Sorry.  
Ryouga: Ukyou?  
Ukyou: What?  
Ryouga: I hope we win.  
  
[scene: in the chapel]  
Kuno: You don't seem excited, my love.  
Akane: Should I be?  
Kuno: Brides often are, I'm told.  
Akane: I am not getting married. Ranma will rescue me.  
Sasuke: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage—that blessed arrangement. That dream within a dream.   
  
[scene: outside the castle gate]  
Nabiki: Stand your ground, men. Stand your ground!  
[Ukyou is draped seductively in the wheelbarrow. Ryouga is pushing, supporting Ranma on his back. Ukyou has the gourds in hand.]  
Ukyou: I'm the Dread Pirate Ryoko. There will be no survivors. Now?  
Ranma: Not yet.  
Ukyou: Many are here. I am here. But soon, you will not be here! Now?  
Ranma: Douse them.  
[Ukyou scatters the cursed water all over the closest soldiers, turning them into ducks and cats]  
Ukyou: The Dread Pirate Ryoko takes no survivors! Your worst nightmares are about to come true!  
  
[scene: the chapel]  
Sasuke: . . . and love--true love--will follow you forever--  
  
[scene: outside the castle gate]  
Ukyou: the Dread Pirate Ryoko is here for your souls!  
Nabiki: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!  
[the soldiers scatter]  
  
[scene: the chapel]  
Sasuke: So treasure your love--  
Kuno: Skip to the end.  
Sasuke: Master Kuno, have you the ring?  
Akane: Here comes Ranma now.  
  
[scene: outside the castle gate]  
Ranma: Ryouga--the portcullis!  
  
[scene: in the chapel]  
Kuno: Your Ranma is dead. I killed him myself.  
Akane: Then why do your eyes look so scared?  
  
[scene: outside the castle gate]  
Ranma: Give us the gate key.  
Nabiki: I have no gate key.  
Ukyou: Ryouga-sugar, tear her arms off.  
Ryouga: But—she's so . . . small!  
Ranma: How much?  
[Ranma pulls money out of his shoe]  
Nabiki: Oh, you mean this gate key?  
  
[scene: in the chapel]  
Sasuke: And, do you, Princess Akane--  
Kuno: Man and wife. Say man and wife!  
Sasuke: Of course, Master Kuno. Man and wife.  
Kuno: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.  
Akane: He didn't come. That jerk!  
  
[scene: castle corridor]  
[Ranma and co. face Genma]  
Genma: Kill the girl and the brute.  
Leave the boy for questioning.  
Ukyou: Hello. My name is Ukyou Kuounji. You stole my father's okonomiyaki cart. Prepare to die!  
[the panda lumbers away behind a locked door; Ukyou follows, banging on the door]  
Ukyou: Ryouga!! I need your help!  
Ryouga: I-I can't leave him alone!  
Ukyou: He's getting away from me, Ryouga!! Please! Arr! Ryouga! Aaargh!  
[Ryouga hangs Ranma on a suit of armor.]  
Ryouga: Wait here.   
Ukyou: Arr! Arrgh!  
[Ryouga arrives]  
Ryouga: BAKUSAI TENKETSU!!  
Ukyou: Thanks!  
  
[scene: a different corridor.]  
[Akane walks with King Principal Kuno and Queen Hinako]  
Principal Kuno: Strange wedding.  
Miss Hinako: Yes . . . a very strange wedding. I wonder if there's any cake left!!  
Principal Kuno: Whoa--what was that for?  
Akane: You've been kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm breaking out of here once we reach the honeymoon suite.  
Principal Kuno: Won't that be nice. She kissed me! Hahahaha!  
  
[scene: castle stairway to cellar dining room]  
Ukyou: Sorry father! I tried, I tried.   
Genma: You must be that little chef-brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Amazing, have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard, girl.  
[Genma slices Ukyou with the a spatula]  
  
[scene: honeymoon suite]  
[Akane cinches the belt on her gi and picks up her bokken]  
Ranma: There ain't too many sexless tomboys in the world. I'd hate to see you get yourself killed.  
Akane: Ranma!! I knew you'd rescue me!! Don't you want to hug me?  
Ranma: Careful!  
Akane: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say? Careful?  
Ranma: Careful! Urr!  
  
[scene: dining room]  
Genma: You're still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It'll get you in trouble someday.  
Ukyou: Hello. My name is Ukyou Kuounji. You stole my father's okonomiyaki cart. Prepare to die.   
[Ukyou hits the table]  
Ukyou: Hello. My name is Ukyou Kuounji. You stole my father's okonomiyaki cart. Prepare to die. Hello! My name is Ukyou Kuounji! You stole my father's okonomiyaki cart! Prepare to die!  
[she punctuates her words with swipes of the spatula]  
[Genma blocks, but with difficulty. He stumbles into the punch bowl and transforms.]  
Genma: Stop saying that!  
Ukyou: HELLO! MY NAME IS UKYOU KUOUNJI! YOU STOLE MY FATHER'S OKONOMIYAKI CART! PREPARE TO DIE!  
[she disarms the panda and has him at her mercy]  
Genma: No!  
Ukyou: Offer me money.  
Genma: Yes!  
Ukyou: Power, too. Promise me that!  
Genma: All I have  
And more!  
Please!  
Ukyou: Offer me everything I ask for!  
Genma: Anything you want!  
Ukyou: I want my okonomiyaki cart back, you son of a bitch!  
[Kills him.]  
  
[scene: honeymoon suite]  
Akane: Oh, Ranma, can you ever forgive me?  
Ranma: Whad'ya do?  
Akane: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.  
Ranma: Never happened.   
Akane: What?  
Ranma: Never happened.  
Akane: But it did--I was there. His little henchman said "man and wife."  
Ranma: Did you say "I do"?  
Akane: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.  
Ranma: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, upperclassman?  
Kuno: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But--first things first. I will smite thee!   
Ranma: No! You will be cursed.  
Kuno: How do you mean, cur?  
Ranma: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so you'll be sure to get it, you wart-faced buffoon.  
Kuno: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.  
Ranma: Won't be the last! See these gourds? Cursed water from Jusenkyou--rabbit, eel, bull, duck, cat, virtuous man, yeti, and lots more. I'll dump them on you and you'll wish I'd killed you instead.  
Kuno: I killed you too quickly last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.  
Ranma: I wasn't finished. Once you're cursed, you'll get the forms of all of these creatures: the bill of a duck, the size of a yeti, the tail of a cat--  
Kuno: The fur of the bull, the ears of the eel—I understand! Get on with it!  
Ranma: Wrong! You'll get the ears of a rabbit, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every kid at seeing how gross you are will be yours to cherish. Every baby that cries, every woman who yells "Oh, God, what is that thing?" will echo in your rabbit ears. That's what cursed means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.  
Kuno: I think you're bluffing.  
Ranma: Could be, pig. Maybe my gourds are empty. Maybe I don't have the strength to throw them at you. But then again--maybe I have the strength after all.  
[he stands, holding Ryouga's umbrella like a sword]  
Ranma: Drop your sword.  
[Kuno's bokken clatters to the floor]  
Ranma: Sit. Tie him up. Tight.  
Kuno: Urrrk.  
[Ukyou rushes in]  
Ukyou: Where's Ryouga?  
Ranma: I thought he was with you.  
Ukyou: No. Great--he's lost.  
Ranma: In that case—whooooooa!   
Ukyou: Don't just stand there; help him!  
Akane: Why does Ranma need help?  
Ukyou: He has no strength.   
Kuno: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing. I knew he was--bluffing.  
Ukyou: Can I kill him?  
Ranma: Nyah. Screw him. He knows he's a coward.  
Ryouga: Ukyou! Ukyou! Where are you?   
[Ukyou runs to the window]  
Ryouga: Oh! There you are. Ukyou, I saw the prince's stable--and there they were--four white horses. And I thought--there's four of us, if we ever find the princess. Hello, Akane! So I took them with me, in case I ever found you!  
Ukyou: Ryouga-sugar, you did something right!  
Ryouga: Don't worry--it won't go to my head.  
[Akane leaps out the window into Ryouga's arms]  
Ukyou: you know, it's strange. I've been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with my life. I suppose I could open up a restaurant . . .   
Ranma: Ever consider piracy? You'd make a great Dread Pirate Ryoko.   
  
[scene: grandson's bedroom]  
Soun: "They road to freedom, and as dawn arose, Ranma and Akane knew they were safe." "A wave of love swept over them, and as they reached for each other--"   
Grandson: What? What?  
Soun: Nyah—it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.  
Grandson: Well, I don't mind so much.  
Sound: Okay! "Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." "The end." Now I think you ought to go to sleep.  
Grandson: Okay.   
Soun: All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long.  
Grandson: Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow?  
Soun: You're so uncute.  
  
THE END   
Autumn 2000 


End file.
